Engaging the Inner Child
Who is the Inner Child?
In a previous post, I talked about embracing the inner critic, and this post will talk about engaging the inner child. Many people (myself included) have a habit of treating both similarly—we push them away and shove them down. But it’s not helpful in the grand scheme of things.
The inner child comes out a lot during therapy work. For me, I’ll get to a space where I feel very emotional and vulnerable. It makes me feel very little and young. The emotions are really raw and tender. That’s what contact with my inner child feels like.
Maybe “inner child contact” is kind of a “woo-woo” term. But you know what I mean. You feel a part of yourself that’s really young and vulnerable. It’s so important that when we make that contact with our inner child, we are engaging with them (not shoving them down).
How the Inner Child Comes to the Surface
When we contact the inner child within ourselves in our day-to-day lives, it can come out in all kinds of ways. Some people tantrum a little. (Okay, I tantrum. Sometimes a lot, at least in the past.) It can come out in a number of ways:
Primal anger
Deep sadness
Feeling alone
Feeling really small
Feeling overlooked
Oftentimes, these are things we felt when we were really small. There were times we weren’t really seen or acknowledged, times that our feelings or emotions or who we truly were weren’t validated. And so, that part of us (the inner child) is often lurking in there somewhere. They can come out at really inconvenient times. They definitely comes out in therapy (which is actually very good).
What I find with my clients is when we make contact with the inner child—either in session or in the day to day—they do the same thing as they do with the inner critic. They will respond in one of two ways.
Responding to the inner child: Shoving it down
They shove down the inner child. That might look like telling yourself:
You can’t be sad
What is the matter with you?
Don’t feel this way
You’re too sensitive
You’re too much
You’re too overwhelming
No one is going to love you if you let them see this
Oftentimes, these are the messages we received from the outside when we were little. So, we internalize these voices and then beat our inner kids when they come up. But the inner child comes up because we are in desperate need of love, care, comfort, soothing. But instead we beat the inner child down.
Responding to the inner child: Letting them take over
When we aren’t beating the inner child down, but still not engaging with the inner child with love and comfort, we let that inner child take over completely. They totally take over like a 4-year-old running around crazy. (And I should know because I have a 4-year-old who runs around crazy.)
How to Engage the Inner Child
We have a really hard time understanding how to engage that inner child. I struggled with this too. As an enneagram 2, I have often felt like showing people that vulnerable part of me is too much, it’s overwhelming.
My defense mechanism is repression. I repress negative feelings, thoughts, anything that would make me unattractive or unlikable to the people I want in my life. Unfortunately, that actually cuts off a very vital part of myself that when it’s feeling something—when I’m feeling something. When I’m needing love, comfort, care, I cut that part off because it feels like too much. Then I wonder why I don’t feel loved, comforted, or cared for—it’s because I haven’t allowed anyone to see the part that needs the comfort or care. Not even myself.
I go through a similar process with clients and their inner kid as I do with their inner critic. I have them ask a few questions.
What is the inner kid trying to do for you when these feelings come up?
How do they feel?
What do they need?
This might be hard if you don’t have kids. I didn’t really understand it until I had a kid. But if you listen, that inner child is actually very wise. There is a way we can listen to them, hear what they feel and what they need, and then soothe them.
I let my inner child know that I am going to take care of her and get her what she needs. She doesn’t need to take over and drive the car to get what she needs because I’m going to take care of it for her.
When I repress the inner child, I shove her down. And when that happens, she’ll take over in other ways. That’s what happens when we repress parts of ourselves. Emotions that we repress—we don’t allow them to deliver the information about what we’re needing. Then those emotions take over. They run the show behind the scenes without us realizing it.
To avoid this, we must engage with our inner child. We have to listen to them, understand what they’re feeling and needing. We have to tell them, “Thank you for letting me know what’s going on inside of me. Thank you for telling me how I feel. What do you need? How can I care for you? How can I take care of you?” It can be a very powerful self-care technique.
A Time I Engaged My Inner Child
I had just taken a new job, moved into a new place (when I first moved to Silicon Valley), and I was doing a practicum. It was like day 3, I was super overwhelmed, I didn’t really know anybody and there was a lot going on.
The place that I was at for for my internship wanted me to take clients I wasn’t comfortable with. I was feeling really overwhelmed, really anxious, and I felt like I wasn’t allowed to feel those things. I felt like that little kid was so scared and anxious overwhelmed and sad.
I remember driving down the road thinking, “Wow, of course you feel overwhelmed and anxious.” I felt so small. But this adult part of myself was like, “Of course you feel this way. Look at all the things that are happening to you. Of course you feel small. This is very overwhelming. How you feel makes sense. I’m here for you.”
I put my hand on my heart and was like, “I’m going to get you what you need. I’ll get you some comfort.” It was a very profound experience. I remember that part of me felt very soothed. I really tried to listen to myself instead of beating myself up (which i normally would).
Listening to the inner child and working on soothing her has been a very powerful technique. Just allowing myself to really hear and validate those feelings from the inner kid and understand what she’s needing and giving it that. Not beating her up. Your feelings are not too much. You have needs, and that’s totally fine.
Hi, I’m Melinda
I’m a therapist who uses the Enneagram and Brainspotting to help 20 & 30-somethings understand and change unhelpful patterns, love themselves, and navigate all the big transitions and emotions that come with where they are in life.
WHAT MY CLIENTS OFTEN LOOK LIKE:
1) Empaths and “HSPs” who feel deeply and are afraid that something is “wrong” with them or have been told that they are too “sensitive”
2) Helpers or “over-givers” who want healthier relationships with themselves and others
3) Enneagram enthusiasts who want to grow
4) Premarital and young couples wanting to start their marriage off on the right foot