How to Love Yourself: A Lesson from Lizzo
Lizzo: Unapologetically Black with Bold Emotions
Since 2020, Black women have been instrumental in my journey of self-love. I’m learning how to love myself, and I’m not ashamed to say Lizzo has been part of that.
I didn’t grow up in a community with a lot of Black people. I grew up far away from my Black family members. So, learning what it is to identify as Black while looking and passing as white has been a whole journey that I’m still on.
One of the reasons why Lizzo means so much to me is what she puts forward in her brand and music. Someone who is incredibly confident and strong. A Black woman with big feelings, has mental health stuff going on, has said that she has a therapist. But she’s still doing her shit and being herself. Lizzo comes across as this beautiful, strong, confident, and unapologetic Black woman. That inspires me.
I’m My Own Soulmate
There’s a song that Lizzo writes called “Soulmate.” It is essentially about how she learned that the most important love story is the story of how we fall in love with ourselves and how we provide what we need. We are our own soulmates.
If I had heard this song 10 or 15 years ago I would’ve thought, “Mm, that’s depressing.” But in my journey and as an enneagram type 2, I have been learning what it is to love myself based who I am. I am figuring out what that is, how to be authentic to myself, and how to love myself instead of focusing on getting other people to love me. That’s why this song is such a big deal.
When we think about self-care, it’s very present in Lizzo’s song. She talks about self-acceptance, how she has her own back, how she buys herself flowers every Sunday. (Which I also started doing.)
The song also leaves me thinking about the things I so need. Like, yes I needed to ask for help, but also learning how to know myself and love myself. And not depend on someone else to be my soulmate. It was something I needed to do for myself. I needed to fall in love with me, the real me, and attune to me.
How to Love Yourself with Self-Attunement
I think about self-attunement when I think of this song. What is self-attunement?
Getting to know yourself.
Taking yourself out on a date.
Giving yourself alone time and space to breathe. (I try to do a quarterly individual retreat, without my kid, without my husband. Just me. So that I can spend time with me.)
Learning how to be still in silence. (I turn off my radio or podcasts as I’m driving to work or getting ready. I consciously have to turn down the noise and trying to tune into myself.)
Noticing how much I think about other things and other people rather than focusing on how I’m feeling and where I am.
Doing things for my body based on how I feel, not what I think other people want or how I want other people to respond to me.
The self-attunement of Lizzo’s song is kind of a lavish self-care. For 2s, it’s the kind of care we give to others. Sometimes, this lavish self-care is people don’t even want from us, but we don’t ever consider gifting that to ourselves.
Especially for outwardly-oriented types, that consistent loving, lavish, attuned self-care (the same that you would show to someone you adore) must be tuned into yourself. Giving that to yourself is so important. It’s how I’m working on loving myself.
I’m still learning on this soulmate kind of self-love Lizzo sings about. It’s hard work. But, try hitting those love languages with yourself.
How do you spend quality time with yourself? (A silent walk)
How do you give gifts to yourself? (Flowers)
How do you love yourself with touch? (Get a massage, take a bath)
How do you affirm yourself? (Self-soothing, self-congratulations)
How do you love yourself with acts of service? (Cooking yourself dinner)
When being my own soulmate feels hard and I’m unsure how to love myself, I think about how I love others. How can I attune myself in the same way I attune to others so quickly? Making sure you spend time with yourself, attune with yourself, and practice that lavish, Lizzo-buzzed self-care is one step toward loving yourself.
Hi, I’m Melinda
I’m a therapist who uses the Enneagram and Brainspotting to help 20 & 30-somethings understand and change unhelpful patterns, love themselves, and navigate all the big transitions and emotions that come with where they are in life.
WHAT MY CLIENTS OFTEN LOOK LIKE:
1) Empaths and “HSPs” who feel deeply and are afraid that something is “wrong” with them or have been told that they are too “sensitive”
2) Helpers or “over-givers” who want healthier relationships with themselves and others
3) Enneagram enthusiasts who want to grow
4) Premarital and young couples wanting to start their marriage off on the right foot