The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types (Part 3: Heart Types)
Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) & Joanne Kim (OliveMe Counseling) are Enneagram therapists who love helping people grow beyond their reactive patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing.
Our Enneagram type patterns used to be helpful when we were actually vulnerable and powerless (often in childhood), but when we grew up, our autopilot patterns didn't update accordingly. What used to be our greatest strengths eventually become some of our greatest liabilities.
In part 3 of this 4-part series on The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types, learn about:
The main themes of the Heart Triad.
The central emotion for Heart Types: Sadness + Shame.
How Enneagram Twos, Threes, and Fours navigate Sadness + Shame.
Growth steps for each Enneagram Type.
Watch the video below for Part 3: Heart Types (or keep scrolling past the downloadables for the transcript!)
Downloadables
Download each of these separately!
Video Transcript
Joanne: Welcome back to our four part series, “The Emotional Habits of Enneagram Types”.
Melinda: I’m so excited about this triad because we're going to talk about the heart.
Joanne: The heart types are known for the themes of connection, identity, image, lots of big feelings. Wanting to make sure that our connections are okay, either connections with other people and or ourselves.
I think because emotions talk about connections, they tend to be the most obvious for heart types. There's a lot of emphasis on the feelings of sadness and shame, because both of those emotions have a lot to do with connection or the lack thereof. Shame specifically in feeling like you're one down or one out. So, one outside of other people.
We're going to start with our lovely Twos. Can you share a little bit as our resident Two?
Melinda: Yes, I can. Hello. I'm your resident Two.
Let's talk a little bit about Twos and our relationship with sadness and shame. As we mentioned in our intro video, we find that there's one Type that overdoes, one Type that underdoes, and one Type that tends to have a chaotic or conflicted relationship with the emotion associated with their triad.
Twos have a conflicted relationship with shame and sadness. Because we are on the positivity triad, which is a different triad, Twos tend to overdo positive feelings because we want to attract people to us. This is kind of what Twos are all about. We want to make sure that connection with others is golden.
We think in our brains, people like positive things. So we're going to be kind, sweet, generous, attractive, and competent in an effort to seduce people to us so that we can ensure that we have good connections. Fortunately, it bites us in the ass because people aren't really connecting with us, they're connecting with the image that we put out of likeability.
That inspires sadness and shame because we often don't like who we are and we feel like we have to change ourselves in order to be loved. We can't actually connect with people in reality because it's not us that is connecting with people.
We, like our true selves, have a lot of sadness. However, we also tend to feel very conflicted with that.
We shouldn't feel sad.
We shouldn't feel ashamed.
That's not what positive people do.
That's not what people who attract other people do. We don't do that.
So often what happens is we feel sadness and shame and other feelings, and then it comes out sideways in resentment or in anger or in isolation and withdrawal. So often, depending on your subtype, that can come out in different ways.
As a Two, my experience of shame and sadness is one of conflict, is one of chaos. I don't know which way is up. I don't know how I should be. I don't know really how I really feel, but I feel it in my body and it's really hard for me to describe what I'm needing as a result of feeling those feelings.
If you relate to me, I get it. It's a hard experience to have but a really important thing to actually tune into when we're feeling sadness and shame, because it gives us a lot of information about how we are actually hiding our true selves when we try to connect with people. Sadness and shame, maybe not exactly shame, but definitely sadness, is a feeling of longing for something that we don't have, right?
Joanne is our resident Feelings Translator, so I think that's correct. It's a longing for something we don't have. For Twos we long for that connection and we don't get it if we're leading with something that isn't authentic.
The growth challenge and the growth step for my Twos here is at the end of the day, as you're winding down, I want you to think about the day. I want you to think about the different feelings that have come up for you in relation to when you've talked to somebody or when you've done things for others, which is what we tend to do. I want you to really think through the emotions you felt over that day. How did it feel in your body? What inspired that emotion? Sit with that, if only for a minute, because it's going to give you so much information about your authentic self. That is what we're really going for. Anything else to add?
Joanne: I would say that because Twos have disconnected from themselves they kind of outsource that sadness in trying to connect with other people thinking that's what they need. Often Twos can forget about their own feelings because they're so focused on other people.
I love the challenge that you gave in, at least at the end of the day reconnecting with your own personal individual experience and consider what went through my heart? What was going on? Then giving yourself a chance to actually sit with that.
Melinda: No judgment either. Just remember as we do all of our challenges I really encourage you not to lean into shame, which is something we do. I understand how hard it is even just on a personal level. So, I really want to encourage you don't lean into shame, especially this Triad. Don't judge yourself. We are all on this journey together. We all have our ish.
Joanne: Share with us about Threes.
Melinda: Threes are interestingly opposite of what you would envision of a Heart Type.
Whereas Twos have a conflicted or chaotic relationship with sadness and shame, Threes kind of just shut it down completely. It's like, “Bye-bye feelings. Bye-bye sadness and shame.” The reason why they do this is because those feelings get in the way of the thing they really want to do which is work really, really hard to accomplish goals and be super productive in order to appear successful or actually be successful, admired, and applauded.
It's wild that these people are a part of the Heart Triad when they actually have a very distant relationship with their emotions. In actuality, they are very sensitive people, even if they don't know it. Try to absorb that you Threes. This can actually get you into trouble as you shut down your own feelings. What you do, kind of like Twos, is you show up in a certain way that isn't actually you, but because that happens all the time you don't really know who you are either. You've disconnected with your heart. There are ways that gets in the way. Instead you replace that with productivity instead of just being with work and success instead of connection, in a way, you isolate yourself both from others but especially from yourself. That's kind of how Threes get into trouble. Anything you'd add?
Joanne: In being so focused on success, but success according to what they intuit other people value, what happens when you actually become successful around those things and you hit those goals? Then what?
Melinda: It wasn't even your thing.
Joanne: What do you do when you're at the finish line and then you look around and it's like, “Now what?” There can be this emptiness feeling that comes up for Threes and that's kind of a tinge of sadness. Then often Threes then look for another thing, another goal to pursue, so they kind of skip over that. Notice that tendency. Regularly slowing down more often is actually very, very beneficial though it goes the opposite direction of what the ego tells Threes to do.
Melinda: This is a good time to introduce our growth step for Threes, which is to stop, slow down.
Because Threes feel that the world is on their shoulders and they need to impress and do in order to just be in the world and have connections at all with people and with the groups they're a part of. They have a very hard time slowing down. Doing is a part of a Threes identity. Their false identity.
Our challenge to you Threes is to stop. If only for half an hour or an hour, I don't want productive stopping. I literally want you to do nothing. Practice what it is to be a human being rather than a human doing.
Joanne: Notice how jittery you get.
Melinda: Notice how nervous you feel. That's a feeling. Tune into the feelings that come up. Even if it's anger. Even if it's frustration.
Joanne: Like, this is dumb.
Melinda: That's a feeling! Tune into your feeling. Really notice what happens when you pause.
The last thing I'll just say is, most of my Threes come through my door because they burned out, and that is really the danger that can come for Threes not stopping.
Joanne: If you're going to have to deal with your feelings anyway, you may as well do it on your terms and on your own timeline.
Melinda: Yeah, I feel like that's more efficient. Threes really like efficiency.
Good luck, Threes. We love you.
Joanne: The last Type in the Heart Triad are Fours and a lot of Fours are known for their big feelings. I would say that of the Heart Types, Fours tend to overdo that, whereas Twos have a more conflicted relationship with their feelings. Threes disconnect or underdo that. Fours tend to definitely identify with the message, “I am how I feel.” This shows up in, for example, how they engage work. Often their work patterns depends on their mood. Like, “Do I feel like doing this, yes or no?” or “Do I want to go do something else?” They tend to shift because within themselves their emotions are kind of up and down. There's always some kind of shifting and never any settling. That's because Fours tend to resist acknowledging their own goodness and how they belong.
Even though Fours do you feel the full range of feelings more directly compared to other Types it tends to be skewed more towards the negative feelings. When it comes to the instincts and subtypes, especially for Fours, there’s such a huge variation between the instincts where what all three subtypes of Fours, the Self-preservation, the Social and Sexual Four have in common is a focus more on the negative feelings. Each of them have kind of like a next in line feeling that tends to show up more directly.
I would say that the Sexual Fours are the angry Fours, but their anger isn't the kind of anger like Eights. Eights are more about expanding and making sure that their will is done. Fours are more like, “Oh, yeah! You hurt me. I'm going to make you suffer.” So it's more their pain. There's shame, there's sadness that gets projected out as anger.
Social Fours are the sad Fours. They tend to overdo sadness. Everyone and their mama knows that a social Four is sad. This kind of gets in their way because for them, depression is actually a defense mechanism. It's not a result of them feeling pain. It's a way for them to keep themselves stuck. Saying like, “Whoa, is me! Everything is going to fall apart” and, “I'm so tragic,” and all that kind of stuff. Not to downplay actual legitimate sadness that Fours can have, we need to recognize that some of our feeling patterns are actually overly taking center stage in ways that are actually detrimental for us.
Self-preservation Fours tend to not be known as Fours or you can't quite tell from the outside, but they're still feelings driven. Those who are closest to them know that they still do according to what they feel. For Self-preservation Fours, there's kind of a locking in of their feelings, similar to Ones in Threes. So, they can be super productive, but it's still centered around this message of there's something wrong with me, I'm fatally flawed and irredeemable. I need to make up for this lack. The main emotional pattern across all Fours is the sense of loss. It's as if something important to me, I don't have it, it's out there somewhere, I have to go find it.
The main growth recommendation for all Fours is to find out that you actually have some goodness to you too. It's just in your blind spot. You'll have to ask your close people to tell you what they see in you. Don't anticipate negative. Be open for whatever that information is.
Melinda: Actually, pause to take it in. Don't skip.
Joanne: You think you really know yourself because you claim this monopoly and authenticity? Nope. If you have a very distorted image of yourself, other people might actually see something that's truer about you than you admit.
Melinda: So be open to that.
One more thing I want to add as we're talking about Twos, Threes, and Fours, and Joanne made a great point. Every subtype kind of has their own relationship with feelings, and that's true in Twos and Threes as well.
Sexual instincts, like we mentioned in our introduction, tend to have a more comfortable relationship with frustration and anger. Self-preservations tend to have a more comfortable relationship with sadness or numbness. Then you have social instincts that have a slightly more comfortable relationship with sadness and shame.
Joanne: And Self-pres also tends to be more anxious, more timid.
Melinda: As you engage with what we're talking to you about, see where you land also in subtype and that will flavor the emotion as well. As the main emotion, you have these secondary emotions that may come up.
Joanne: Just as a summary, we have this chart here. It's called the “Emotional Habits of Enneagram Type”s. All the Nine Types and how they tend to experience the BIG Five emotions, MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, NUMB, adding in SHAME under sadnessm and a little bit of bite size information regarding each of those habits along with a more fuller description of those habits under this longer pdf guide. Make sure to grab these the links will be below and Melinda has also offered us her guide as well.
Melinda: I have a guide for “Growth Tips For Every Enneagram Type”. I found that as different Enneagram Types are exploring their feelings and the deeper healing that can come with the Enneagram, which is totally my jam, there are tasks and challenges that every Type has to go through in order to engage their ego and put it out of the way in order to be able to engage their more essential self.
Transformation is the name of the game, y'all. And it is amazing and super hard.
I developed this guide to help give you a little kick in the ass toward that deeper growth and meeting your essential self.
These are things that have helped us to grow more deeply and to continue our transformations.
Joanne: Both of us are Eanagram Therapists so feel free to reach out if you're needing some more direct support.
In the meantime, if you're finding that you have a lot of these big feelings, but they're kind of showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time, and you don't always have an opportunity to engage them right then and there also grab the “Big Feeler First Aid Kit”. This helps give you a little bit more time and space in the moment, in your meeting or when you're on your first date, just so that you can kind of buy yourself some time and make sure to come back to those feelings at a different time so that they're not buried and then show up again at the wrong place.
Thanks again for joining us for the Heart Types and our next episode will be on the Head Types, Fives, Sixes, and Sevens. We’ll see you then.
interested in learning your enneagram & growing through enneagram therapy?
Hi, I’m Melinda
I’m a therapist who uses the Enneagram and Brainspotting to help 20 & 30-somethings understand and change unhelpful patterns, love themselves, and navigate all the big transitions and emotions that come with where they are in life.
WHAT MY CLIENTS OFTEN LOOK LIKE:
1) Empaths and “HSPs” who feel deeply and are afraid that something is “wrong” with them or have been told that they are too “sensitive”
2) Helpers or “over-givers” who want healthier relationships with themselves and others
3) Enneagram enthusiasts who want to grow
4) Premarital and young couples wanting to start their marriage off on the right foot