Embracing the Inner Critic with Self-Attunement
Difficult Emotions in Self-Care Work
Growth work is pretty difficult, even for me. What I often come across is a sense of ambiguity while I’m working on self-development. There’s this idea inside me where different feelings or different parts of myself are saying different things. I tend to get pretty stuck up on the critical part of myself.
My inner critic has a few bad habits. That critical part puts me down or sometimes shouts at me or tells me to do something differently. It questions my actions and feelings. Simply put, my inner critic makes my head spin. I have a hard time shaking her.
Decorative. Strong currents create chaotic patterns in the ocean.
Other people’s “ugly” parts might be less about their inner critic and more about deep feelings of fear or anger or overwhelm. Or a mix of these strong feelings at once. But when we’re doing self-growth work, the mix of all these feelings can be confusing and ambiguous. When my inner critic becomes loud, it’s hard for me to know what I’m really feeling. I get confused about what’s “right” to feel and how to engage with my emotions.
The Downside of Ignoring Difficult Emotions
When we’re trying to engage in self-care, these parts can come up—it’s certainly the case for myself and for many of my clients. Before working on self-care, these parts were already swirling. My inner critic is pretty loud when I am having a hard time and when I need self-care the most.
Decorative. A geyser fountain bursts over a body of water.
One of the ways I try to counteract my inner critic and other difficult emotions is to engage with them. Our initial reaction might first be to ignore them, but when we do that, they only come back up. They return louder and even more insistent. It’s an understandable reaction to try everything to shut that part down. Popular culture sends the message that we need to cut off the parts of ourselves we don’t like. But when we do that, it is anti-self-care.
Ultimately, these difficult emotions are still part of us. My inner critic is ME. And it’s not helpful to cut off parts of myself. When we do that, we are repressing a piece of ourselves. When we try to do that, those difficult emotions will inevitably come back up.
Self-Attunement
An aspect of self-care is called “self-attunement,” where we take the time to check in with parts of ourselves. It’s important that we even check in with the parts we don’t like—like the inner critic.
Sometimes, I’ll catch myself waking up in the middle of the night with a voice going, “Did I do X thing right? Did I say the right thing? What’s the matter with you?” It feels like an attack, so, in turn, sometimes it feels like I need to counterattack or ignore it altogether.
But, as I’ve come to learn as a therapist and through my own self-care journey, the healthier option is to engage with the difficult feelings. Instead of yelling at it or shoving it aside, I might find a journal or internally tune-in.
Decorative. A journal sits on a desk with leaves.
I’ll listen to my inner critic, “Did I say the right thing?” and try to engage with what the inner critic is saying by asking myself some questions:
What is my inner critic trying to do for me?
How long has this part of myself been speaking up like this?
Did the inner critic and/or emotion have a function of survival or care in my childhood? Does it provide defense? Protection? Does it help navigate the world?
What is the feeling trying to do for me?
Maybe I learn that a self-critical part might be wanting to help me integrate into a new friend group. So when I’m waking up in the night and it’s saying, “Why did you say X thing?” It may be that the inner critic is trying to help me get included in a new group, and it’s scared that I won’t be. So the inner critic is making me re-think all my interactions to make sure I’m doing things right and can get what I need (connection).
How to Engage Difficult Emotions
The way to deal with tough emotions is to engage with them. When we acknowledge them, we are giving them space to exist so they don’t get louder.
Step 1. Recognize the parts that are loud, problematic and cause inner turmoil. What is causing you trouble? What feelings or voices are confusing or upsetting? How is it making you feel?
Step 2. What function is it trying to do for you? For example, my inner critic wants me to find connection, but does so in a way that is hurtful. Are your difficult emotions coming from a place that is meant to be helpful?
Step 3. What do you think is this part is needing? What is it indicating or communicating to you that you need? Do you need connection? Do you need rest? If it’s trying to get you into a friend group (and it’s scared), what is this part feeling? Is it feeling scared? Is it feeling overwhelmed?
Step 4. Take a step back and ask, “Is the way this part is functioning helping me get what we need? Is this part actually helping me connect with people? Or is it making me second-guess myself in social situations and withholding me from getting what I need?
A lot of times, I’ll find that the inner critic is NOT helping me get what I need. In fact, it’s making it harder for me to get what I need. Instead of helping me find connection, that critical voices makes me second guess myself.
Step 5. Thank that part for the way it has helped in the past. Thank it for wanting to help you and that it wants to get you good things. Acknowledge that it’s not working, and the way it’s functioning is not getting you need what you need. “You aren’t helping me get what I need, but I see what I need now. Thank you. I am going to take you out of the driver’s seat now.”
Engaging with the difficult parts of ourselves fosters curiosity, self-attunmenet, understanding, and understanding the way you feel as indicators of what you need.
Hi, I’m Melinda
I’m a therapist who uses the Enneagram and Brainspotting to help 20 & 30-somethings understand and change unhelpful patterns, love themselves, and navigate all the big transitions and emotions that come with where they are in life.
WHAT MY CLIENTS OFTEN LOOK LIKE:
1) Empaths and “HSPs” who feel deeply and are afraid that something is “wrong” with them or have been told that they are too “sensitive”
2) Helpers or “over-givers” who want healthier relationships with themselves and others
3) Enneagram enthusiasts who want to grow
4) Premarital and young couples wanting to start their marriage off on the right foot