Enneagram Subtypes and Instincts
Joanne Kim (OliveMe Counseling) and Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) join Nikhil Sharma (AlignUs World) in a six part series to discuss the Enneagram.
In this six part series we give an introduction to each Enneagram Type, look at each of the Triads: Body, Heart, and Head, and discuss subtypes and instincts.
Watch the video below for Enneagram Subtypes and Instincts (or keep scrolling past the downloadables for the transcript!)
Downloadables
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Transcript
Nikhil: In today's episode, we're going to be exploring the topic of the Enneagram Instincts or otherwise known as Subtypes, and we are fortunate to have back our two guests. We have Ms. Melinda Olsen, who is a licensed marriage and family therapist, founder of Inviterra Counseling, and co-founder of Havenly Counseling Collective. We also have Ms. Joanne Kim, who is an Enneagram Therapist at OliveMe Counseling and Feelings Translator at Intelligent Emotions.
We're so grateful to have both of you guys here today and welcome to the AlignUs podcast. Before we get started, we wanted to get a quick background on both of your professional histories.
Why don't we start with Ms. Melinda?
More about Melinda and Joanne
Melinda: I'm an Enneagram Therapist. At Inviterra Counseling, I really love to help people go deep with their healing via the Enneagram and to grow in levels of awareness. I primarily like to do that with people who already know their type and are at a point where they're like, I've poked holes in all of these things in terms of my patterns. I need to get deeper. That's where I come in. That's where the juicy stuff is for me. I love doing that kind of work at Inviterra.
At Havenly I deeply appreciate community and creating community for clinicians, and people in general, where they feel like they can belong and heal.
I feel like I'm living my best life through those two businesses.
Joanne: I would say that I am a serial dreamer.
In true Enneagram Four fashion it's really hard to lock me down in like one type. I’m constantly shifting and trying new things out. The current iteration of it is as a therapist, also helping people discover what really matters to them and their own personal dreams through the Enneagram by revealing what gets them stuck and how to move beyond them. Also tapping into their own emotions as a way of propelling them, harnessing the power that we have inside so that we can actually not just feel our feelings, but actually make our dreams come true.
And also, BFFs and work wives with Melinda.
Nikhil: Yes, if that's not obvious here to the viewers that are watching, probably not to the ones that are listening, but there's an obvious bond that's in front of me currently. It's actually a really, really beautiful thing to see. We’re so blessed and thankful to have you guys here with us today.
Joanne: I’d like to make a quick plug about Havenly because I realized I didn't mention in the last episode.
Melinda: Oh, yeah. She's the other co-founder of Havenly.
Nikhil: There it is. For those who watched the first episode of this series, these are both co-founders of Havenly Counseling Collective and we'll talk about more of that and what they do in our description, in our resources below.
Joanne: I wanted to bring that up because for the topic of our episode today, which is about Instincts and Subtypes, we happen to have opposite Instincts, if that can show up, like working together. So, it can be a very beautiful thing being in relationships with people who have very different ways of seeing the world and it can drive you crazy and it's probably good for you.
Melinda: What are you saying that I drive you crazy?
Joanne: Yes.
What Are Instincts and Subtypes?
Nikhil: Speaking of Instincts, I feel like it's almost easier to first identify your Instinct in a way than it is to figure out your Enneagram Type. Because there are three instincts, right? We'll talk about them: social, then the sexual and then we have the self-preservationist. But when I figured out what my Instinct was it opened up a whole new world, like a new layer of who I am. I was like, okay, I'm a Type Seven. Great. That's who I am. For those that don't know, Joanne's been my Enneagram Coach, and when she introduced me to the Instincts and I found out that I was a Social Dominant and a Self-preservation Reserve. I was like, ding, ding, ding, ding, like, yes! It just further defined who I am and was, I would say, to better help myself moving forward. So, I'm really excited about this episode and getting people to understand what their Instincts are.
What are the three Instincts of the Enneagram and how do they relate to the nine Types of Enneagram personality?
Melinda: So, if the Enneagram, One through Nine core Types, if they describe the motivations of why we do what we do, the Instincts mixed with that Type display how those behaviors show up or like how that Type shows up or where it's directed.
You have the Self-preservation, Social and Sexual Instincts. When you mix the dominant Instinct or the one that you overdo with your core Type, you have your Subtype. So, our teacher would want to emphasize that Instinct and Subtype are different things. We'll talk a little bit more about that too. Really the Instinct, the way it shows up and your core Type is when you look at somebody of that Type that's kind of behaviorally what they do or how they direct their motivation outward.
Joanne: I would describe the Type as being the raw firepower and then the Instinct being the barrels of a cannon in directing where that energy gets pointed.
So, regardless of Type you will find some patterns based on our dominant Instincts. Each Instinct tends to have its corresponding themes that often take way too central of attention at the expense of us focusing on the other areas of our lives. These are all built into our lizard brains. Our Instincts are the things that show immediately, whereas our emotions are going a bit slower than our immediate Instincts, and our thoughts are even slower than our feelings, which is slower than our Instincts.
Melinda: Right. So, these are reactions that happen absolutely immediately. Without ever thinking about it, just like, poof!
Joanne: Lizard brain.
Nikhil: Yeah. So, how would someone that's new to the Enneagram and trying to figure out their Instincts, how would we identify what our dominant Instinct is?
Melinda: Great question. I feel like you're really good with the metaphors, so…
Joanne: I think the process of finding our dominant Instinct is similar to how we find our Type. When the Instinct gets described, it's like, yeah, that sounds like me. Then chances are that's more likely within your autopilot.
Whatever your repressed instinct is the one that tends to elicit the most confusion or the most disgust because it's shoved in the closet.
Melinda: It's in your shadow, right? So, it's the thing you just underdo.
Joanne: Your dominant Instinct tends to be the one that's like, well, yeah, isn't that how other people see the world?
Melinda: Isn't that how the world should see it? Like, why don't you see the world that way?
Joanne: Because the Instincts focus on specific arenas where we focus our attention, it's easier to find our Instincts and therefore our Subtypes than actually it is our Type.
Nikhil: So, when we talk about Social Instinct, what is that commonly being referred to? If somebody was a dominant Social Instinct what is their personality reflected in that sense?
Social Dominant Instinct
Melinda: You can take this though I feel like Nik probably has more to tell us about Social Instinct than either of us. We do have each Instinct present here. We have a Social and a Sexual and a Self-preservation.
Joanne: I will say a bit of the social Instinct then you tell me if it matches.
Nikhil: Yeah, for sure. That's why I started with Social first.
Joanne: As a means of survival, the social Instinct tends to focus on the group or the collective, the herd. The main themes are belonging, status, image, position, influence, etc. So, it's basically like, how can I make sure I'll be okay by focusing on where I am with respect to the group? Or how the group is doing is connected to how I'm doing.
So, regardless of Type, the main areas of attention are around who's on the inside or the outside, who's at the top or bottom, who has power, who doesn't have power. The themes that tend to stand out more are things related to inclusion, belonging, exclusion, exile, power, power dynamics, like, who's being taken advantage of the social ladder with the hierarchy, who's more popular, et cetera. It's just whatever those themes are combined with each Type’s motivation mixed together sometimes it amplifies the end results, sometimes like sound waves, sometimes it ends up like amplifying it sometimes it ends up canceling each other out. And sometimes there's this weird dynamic that comes up.
For both of us, we have Social instincts in the second place. So even though we are very different in our Types and our dominant Instincts, what we share in common is at least a second language towards thinking, how are the rest of us doing? How are we all together as a unit instead of ourselves as an individual or about the other person?
Melinda: Absolutely. I think that not just to think about your immediate communities, I think that can show up in your immediate communities, your family, your friends, but also in the greater world. A lot of Social Instincts that I see in my practice, they're the ones who tend to burn themselves out because they have a great concern for justice or power, people having power over, et cetera. They have a keen awareness of the haves, the have nots, and how the social structure is being affected and how it can be made better.
Nikhil: I want to say, from my own experience, I feel like there's an element to me where I wanted to be the go-to person for the entire group in terms of how I would always want to show up again for these events, or I would create the events, to go out and make sure we're all having a good time. But I think there'd be like a subconscious thing where it would be me. I'm the one who organized it. I'm the leader in this power structure that's there. I think I didn't initially consciously realize that, but I think now as I've been putting in a lot of personal work, I realized there is a subconscious drive, that being a Social Seven, that there is a lot of ego that comes into play.
Melinda: Actually, Socials tend to struggle with what we call the God complex. Again, it’s differing based on Type. But I mean, I'm even thinking of Type Nine, a Social Nine. Even though you wouldn't think, oh, they have pride and a God complex. They will overwork themselves on behalf of the group, probably with that mentality.
Joanne: It's like I have to make sure that things are going to be okay or else the world's going to fall.
Melinda: And it's on me.
Nikhil: How this developed for me, as I reflect growing up, I was an only child. My parents were working a lot. So, for me, in order to survive I had to friend a lot of different people and those friends became like my brothers, my sisters, and I began relying on them because my parents were busy with their work. I didn't have any siblings at home. So naturally again, to survive it was for me to go out and be social and live that kind of life. And so, it just grew from there.
Melinda: Only child to only child, I get it.
Nikhil: Yeah, there you go. All right.
That's a great segment about how Social dominant themes can be, how we can see if we relate to being a Social dominance. Now let's talk a little bit about the Sexual dominant Instinct.
How does that show up?
Melinda: Gladly.
Nikhil: I love it. Yes. Beautiful.
Sexual Dominant Instinct
Melinda: So that's an example of how the Sexual Instinct shows up. I think Joanne was talking about themes, but one thing I will say about Sexual Instincts is that they tend to be kind of, it's a very energetic Instinct. If you knew anything about the Instincts, you might be able to clock me as a Sexual Instinct. I'm dressed a certain way. I lead with a lot of energy and exuberance. Woo, if you're familiar with StrengthsFinder, is like one of my number one top strengths. I think that's something that a lot of Sexual Instincts would probably also feel like have that. They're kind of charismatic and we bond intensely with like one or two people,
Joanne: Chosen people
Melinda: Very chosen people.
Nikhil: Chosen people, I see.
Melinda: Chosen people.
Blink twice if you need rescuing!
Nikhil: That's good.
Melinda: You perpetuate the species, right? Like you bond closely and intimately with chosen people and grow that depth of connection in order to survive. So, that really is the Sexual Instinct. It's not just about sex. The other way to put it is the one-to-one instinct. We tend to be intense, big; we tend to scare other people. Depending on Type, but yeah, a lot of energy.
Joanne: The contrast between Social and Sexual Instinct is that Social dominant folks in their relationships tend to have a relationship with the group as a whole and less so individual relationships. Whereas Sexual dominance, and especially those were Social repressed, like zero in on one person as if no one else exists.
Melinda: So, energetically Socials tend to be like, it's like a diffused, a wide lens. Whereas Sexual Instincts are laser.
Nikhil: When I think about sex, I typically think about power, but this is something different. When you're thinking about the Instinct, it's more one-to-one, like effective, dedicated.
Melinda: It’s about bonding.
Joanne: Different types of bonding.
One is more about influence. On a higher, like bird's eye view level this kind of power is more dynamic. It's like a dance. Like the interaction with people where the Social Instinct happens to rely more on customs and norms, things that are more outsourced. Systems, structures, et cetera. Sexual insecurity folks tend to be more in the moment. It's spontaneous and expands. There isn't particularly a set plan.
Melinda: No, there's not.
Joanne: They’re going to be so present and engaged in the moment and you just kind of role with it.
Melinda: With that other person, right? It really is all about that deep intimate bond.
How can I know you? What are you about? This is probably the reason why I became a therapist, really. Nosy as hell. But I really, really want to get to know people on a super deep level and bond and connect. And that is Sexual Instinct.
Melinda: We tend to have another theme for Sexual Instincts. We tend to be competitive. So, if somebody were to get in the way of the bond that we've created with our special people, there are extreme actions or feelings that might come up on behalf of hearing and protecting the bond. It may or may not include a desire to off somebody to make sure that they don’t get in the way of the bond.
Nikhil: I can see a lot of vengefulness that's coming out right now!
Melinda: I have a good story about how I found out that I was a Sexual Instinct.
Nikhil: Yeah, I bet there's a lot of good stories with a person who's got a Sexual dominant. I'm now thinking about like there is a lot of interactions that have probably occurred in your life.
Melinda: Jealousy.
Nikhil: Jealousy, right? That would bring, you know, that about.
Joanne: That's what we see on the surface, but the part I think that's driving that from behind the scenes is, just as much as there's like chosen people, it's wanting to be the chosen person.
Melinda: We want to be wanted.
Joanne: Very exclusive. This space is like it's very sacred and so anyone else who enters this space is a threat or a rival. What we can learn from those who are Sexual dominant is like the purity and the sacredness of that kind of bond. Especially in this world where there's heavy emphasis on the Social and Self-pres Instinct and like you have to be rational, you have to make sure you're taking responsibility for things, everything needs to be planned, things like that and I think a lot of the good aspects of the Sexual Instinct gets buried. That we actually need to revitalize and experience as a collective.
Melinda: Usually people who aren't Sexual dominance, and especially people who are Self-preservation, Sexual repressed.
Joanne: That's me.
Melinda: Tend to feel very scared by Sexual Instincts. And so, I feel very loved right now because I agree. I think that the positive aspect of Sexual dominant Instincts, especially for women, get underplayed. Because it's a very direct, power forward, in touch with anger, lively instinct, and women are kind of expected to be a certain way.
Joanne: Yeah. So, a lot of negative adjectives towards Sexual dominant folks.
Melinda: We get very projected onto.
Joanne: Usually by people who are Sexual repressed. We'll talk about repression later.
Melinda: I both love and hate being a Sexual dominant, but I think that's probably an experience for every dominant Instinct that everybody has.
Nikhil: Now we come to Self-preservation.
Self-Preservation Dominant Instinct
Joanne: So, as someone who's dominant Instinct is Self-preservation Instinct, which is highly celebrated, it's harder for me to see the shadow sides of the Self-pres. Usually those who are on the receiving end view it the most, but the Self-pres Instinct is mostly directing one's attention towards oneself.
It's very guarded, very internal. It's the non-relational Instinct compared to the Social and the Sexual instinct. The attention gets brought inwards and focusing on like, how am I doing? How's my physical body? Do I feel comfortable? Have I eaten? Do I have enough rest? Like how much money do I have in the bank? Will I be okay?
So, in a lot of ways the Self-preservation Instinct mimics Type Six, Type Five, Type One, in that they're more to themselves and very protective. Whereas the Social Instinct diffuses their energy outwards towards the collective, and the Sexual Instinct directs their energy towards chosen people, the Self-pres goes inward.
Often Self-pres folks have a really hard time in personal relationships, whereas in the professional realm, they get rewarded for that because a lot of professional settings are like, don't lead with your feelings. Make sure you get your work done. Be productive, very efficient. The Self-pres Instinct tends to focus on safety, security, predictability, order, etc.
It's like wanting to make sure that everything is streamlined and efficient, that there's a specific place where everything goes. So those who are Self-pres dominant can be very controlling while justifying it that it needs to happen because it's more efficient, more effective, like whatever. We can be very rude, but it's not on purpose. It's more that we haven't considered the rest of y'all.
Melinda: Yeah, I'd say it's probably more selfish. Which I mean, I'm the first to say, a certain level of “selfishness” is a necessary thing, especially for those of us like Nik and I who are Self-preservation repressed, which we will again get to.
There are so many important things about the Self-preservation Instinct and being in relationship with one has been so helpful for me. Because I don't really think about my comfort and there are people in the world who just power through without really thinking about how to take care of their bodies.
Joanne: Should I bring up an example?
Nikhil: Of course. I was actually going to ask you if you could bring up a tangible example for us.
Joanne: So, the other day, we went to a restaurant to order lunch. We got our lunch. We came back. We resumed the rest of our day with our meetings and when we were about to go home after our meetings, she was like, where's my purse?
Melinda: I haven’t done this in a long time. I just want to put that out there.
Nikhil: I don't think you're alone in this, Melinda. I'm sure a lot of people do it.
Melinda: I’m Self-preservation repressed so this used to happen a lot.
Nikhil: This happened to me recently in Denver. So, yeah.
Joanne: So, we left the restaurant with our food, and she was carrying my phone for me and left her purse behind.
Melinda: Taking care of my person.
Joanne: So, at the end of the day, we find out that she left her purse.
Melinda: My car keys.
Joanne: She's like stuck. She called her spouse and that was okay. He came and got the car and everything like that. But as I was driving her back, I was stressed out. Because I'm like, well, if you don't have your car keys for the next couple of days, but it's like the beginning of school, who's going to be able to take your kid to school? What if your passport's actually in there?
Melinda: It wasn't.
Joanne: That’s what the Self-pres Instinct does in anticipating and projecting the cause and effect.
So, I was stressing out more than she was.
Melinda: Yeah. I was like, I'm fine. Why are you stressing?
Joanne: Her attitude was like; I'll figure it out as I go. Which is characteristic of the Sexual Instinct.
Nikhil: So Self-pres, maybe at its unhealthiest is thinking of the worst situation that can possibly happen. And basically, if a bomb was supposed to go off or the end of the world is going to happen, then the Self-presses they're the ones to be around because they've already thought that far in advance.
Melinda: They have. Actually, it's really funny because Beatrice Chestnut, another Self-Preservation Instinct, she’s like, I don't know how y'all carry such big suitcases or pack so much because what if a bomb were to go off? What if there was a bomb scare at the airport? How are you going to get away? And I'm like, I literally never thought of that in my entire life.
Nikhil: Yeah, exactly. We all have so many friends that we can probably point out through our lives that have that similar personality. That are thinking about every detail that can possibly happen. Then they're worried that that might actually happen, even though there's probably a 0.5% chance that it will occur, but they've thought about it and it's still on their mind until the event has been cleared.
Joanne: Self-pres dominant folks have a really hard time resting and being at ease because like, when's the other shoe going to drop?
They can often create their own anxiety because they're allowing their imaginations to take over. It's been very helpful for me to have someone who would give me direct feedback, be like, hello, I still exist here.
Melinda: Oh, yeah. She feels like she has to take everything on herself and organize everything herself.
Joanne: It's the need for certainty and order.
The Goal is Balance
Nikhil: For our viewers and audience members, it's important that when you're learning about all these terms like Social dominant, Self -pres dominant, Sexual dominant, it's important that at our best our goal is to have a balance of all three. That we are aware now that, hey, this is what my dominant Type is and what the benefits are of having that as your dominant. But then what are the things that can set us back or what is an unhealthy version of that dominant look like?
Joanne: The world has three languages and only three languages, like each dominant Instinct only speaks out of their dominant tongue. Then the second, whatever's in the second place, it's like, it's kind of similar enough. I think I can kind of wing it. So, it'll still get the job done, even though not as effectively as speaking to another person for whom that is their mother tongue.
When speaking to someone who doesn't speak that language at all, that's kind of where a lot of the rub is. So, like you said, the goal is to find out that we have our own go-to language. If we learn the other ones too, that'll smooth out a whole lot of things. Skip over a lot of unnecessary stress.
Melinda: I'm wondering if you want to talk about sequence.
Nikhil: We can talk about sequence.
I was just thinking about how once I found out what my dominant Type was, but the work really started coming in when I figured out what my reserve Type was. Once I realized that I'm a Social first, I'm a Sexual second and then I realized I'm a Self-preservation reserve last that tied it all home for me because I've spent a lot of my life caring for other people and wanting their success. Making sure that they're okay. I went into being a physician because I wanted to help others and then what happens is that can come at a cost, especially when we aren't balanced. Especially when we are overextending ourselves, which Sevens tend to do a lot. I think a lot of people in the world these days, especially where the way mental health has gone and it's kind of deteriorating, we're often being pulled in numerous directions. Jobs, at home, relationships, whatever they may be. But what starts happening is that your own needs aren't being met and they get met less and less.
That's what I realized happened with me. I always did everything for the team. Whether that was at work at the hospital, when they wanted me to pick up an extra shift to help out the team, I'd be like, okay, sure, let me help out the team. Then before I knew it, I was working six weeks in a row because the way we work was one week on one week off. So, if I picked up my week on, then I would automatically be on the following week because that was my normal shift. That eventually takes a toll on you and you're not sleeping well, and I ended up getting burnt out. That's kind of how it all fell apart for me at that time. Once I realized that Joanne, who's done a fantastic, amazing job, truly blessed to have her along this journey, and she started to help me work on my Self-preservation because that is what's reserved for me. Again, just for everyone out there, this journey is not easy. It is going to come with triggers.
Recently I've started a company. I've made a transition from being a physician to owning a tech company, AlignUs, and we're in the phase of developing an app. I was in India, and I was getting my feet on the ground there and trying to figure out which company to sign with. However, me and my friends were supposed to go on a trip to the Dominican Republic and I was all looking forward to it, I was extremely excited. However, I realized that I need to stay in India a little longer. I'm actually a part of a startup. I didn't realize once I made that commitment earlier that this part would be happening now. Like the app development would be occurring now. But that's what happens in these startups.
So, I had to make the decision not to go on this trip. For me, being a Type Seven, or I'm sure other people resonate with this, but to let somebody down or feeling like you're letting down a group, even though I shouldn't feel that way because I'm now finally sticking up for myself and my Self-preservation side. I'm looking out for what is best for Nikhil during this time and in this phase of my life. So, I was like, all right well, I’m just going to tell the group that I can't make it because I need to extend my trip here in India. I went ahead and did that but the immediate backlash that I had received was just a little shocking to me. I was taken back by how triggered my friends were saying that “I think you're making excuses”. One of them made a comment about my financial situation. It was a little bit shocking to hear this come out. It took me some refrain from easily engaging back in that kind of conversation because it can get ugly very quickly. When projections like that happen to you, and they will, when you're on this journey of self-growth the people that you grew up with might not be ready for you to change because you're filling a void in their life that they want you to be a part of, or they need you in that aspect, if that makes sense for those that are listening. Then their excuse is, “Well, I thought that this trip would mean a lot more to you, Nik”, making me feel guilty and shame for not being able to go.
But I did the best I could by refraining from engaging there, because again, that can just lead to more hurt feelings. Then taking a step back and being like, I'm going to just not respond to this. I responded in a very delicate way, just saying that, “I'm sorry, I have to do this for my company, hope you guys understand.” Then I just haven't had a conversation with them in the past couple of weeks.
But again, I'm feeling so happy right now that I made that decision because It's empowering to do something that is in your best interest. This week is when they're all heading down there. But this week, I've accomplished so many great things that have impacted my professional career moving forward and my stability. Because in this case it's providing stability for me. I just want people to realize that this is an example of what can happen when you start sticking up for yourself or doing things that are going to empower you. There is going to be some backlash, but just push forward and if they're your true friends they will understand. You're adjusting in your body, and this is new territory and you're uncomfortable, it'll make other people around you a little uncomfortable seeing you acting differently.
Melinda: Absolutely. And I mean, that's true in friend groups, marriages, parenting relationships, either when you're the parent or you have parents. It's true in all of those contexts.
Nikhil: Just think about when you try to leave relationships because in your heart you know that it’s not working. Then the other person unloads on you saying that it's your fault that his hasn't worked. It's so easy for when you try to change the trigger is that other people start exhibiting, they become nasty. And it's so easy for us to start doubting ourselves after that and thinking maybe it is, is it my fault? Oh, okay. Yeah, maybe let's give it another try for the third time, fourth time. Maybe it'll get better this time.
Joanne: For people who are so used to us filling a certain role, they're living from their dominant Instinct, whatever it is in their lizard brain. So, if you challenge them with what they're doing, and they haven't done that work yet, they're not going to be able to hear you because it's so immediate and so reflexive.
That is the cost and the risk of anyone who's on their own personal growth journey. But it still gets better on the other side because we're not trapped in our own ego patterns that's been extinguishing our own life force. It's so rewarding to know your own automatic patterns and find out, including your Enneagram Type, your dominant Instinct, and also your repressed Instincts. The dominant Instinct is the one that's showing up more than it's supposed to. You got to dial it back, rein it back in. Then the repressed Instinct is the one that really needs to show up more.
Melinda: It needs to be nurtured.
Joanne: Because it actually holds the key to whatever it's like you're really needing.
Melinda: We need to actually summon that forth. Actually, when we do Instinct work, and I know that's true for Joanne too, we tend to focus on repressed Instinct first. I like that work because it's all about nurturing that Instinct. It's about bringing it forward. It's about developing it and like calling it forth into your life.
Nikhil: I like that a lot. Nurturing that Instinct.
As we're coming to the end of this podcast and this topic, and we can go into this topic in so many different ways, but I feel like there's a good basis that people can start understanding or figuring out what their Instincts are.
What are some key takeaways that our viewers and listeners can take from this podcast and how can they try to implement that in beginning their own personal growth journey?
Growth Challenges
Melinda: We have a growth challenge for every Instinct. The point of this is to start to become aware of how your dominant Instinct rules you. As you do these challenges, we want to really emphasize and ask your viewers to remain aware as to their feelings, reactions and sensations that come up as they're doing these activities. When we tame or try to rein in the dominant Instinct, we have a lot of reactions, feelings, thoughts, and sensations that come up. So, I would have them keep that in mind as they engage in these activities.
Joanne: The Social dominant Instinct, whose main attention is to try to reestablish their position in a group it's really hard to not take on responsibilities and not take on roles. So, it would be really important to try to spend more time solo. Not in any position, without any particular responsibilities, and notice whatever reactions come up when you either nurture your own physical or practical needs or spend some time focusing on a chosen person and how they're doing. Basically, where there's no group dynamic because it's just the two of you.
Melinda: One-to-one.
I'd say specifically challenge yourself for a week to not step up, to not teach, influence, lead, care for, fill in the gaps, take over, like any of the ways that your Social Instinct makes you significant in the group or helps the group go. Step back from that and focus on the things maybe that Joanne mentioned and see what comes up for you.
Joanne: Take a more passive position. Let someone else fill in the gap.
Melinda: Don't bake the cookies for the group. That was a literal example from a session. Don't do it. That would be our challenge.
For Sexual Instinct I think like we said, it's really important for Sexual Instincts to notice the way that they're intense, the amount of energy that they use in their lives, the ways that they fuse with other people. For a week practice moderating, taking a step back from those important people. Not in a way to break relationship, but maybe you're going to focus more on people that you find less important. I know that sounds terrible, but that's what it is. Focus on maybe diffusing your energy within the group or stepping back and really leaning into solo time. So, you're not going to constantly text that one person that you love. So, if you're married to that person, cool, cool. Let them know that you're going to take a beat and step back a little and maybe focus on yourself or focus on other connections that aren't them. It's really important to notice how our energy gets focused in those bonding relationships.
So, take a step back.
Joanne: For the Self-pressed dominant person, because a lot of the theme is around exerting control to bring about order and certainty, the opposite of that is to allow for more spontaneity, more flexibility. Not hyper compressing and stuffing everything into your calendar to optimize because that ends up leading to anti-optimization. If one thing falls out of line, everything is screwed. So, bringing in more margin, more space to breathe. If you tend to have lots of activities during the weekends, practice dialing back by 5%. And then seeing what happens to your body, how you breathe, what your sleep is like, what the nature of your relationships is like, when you introduce a little bit more margin. Because you're less likely to be stressed, irritable, frustrated, impatient, because I need to make sure that things are happening in a certain way.
I would say maybe connecting more with your physical body. Often Self-pressed folks tend to be very compressed and tight in the chest or breath holders and so notice how tight or tense your body is and slowly leaning into stretching yourself, being more flexible.
Nikhil: I think that's a great point you're making there, Joanne, is that whenever we're going through change or trying to attempt change or transition, it's really important that we are locked in on what our body is telling us. What our mind is saying. Because it's usually bringing up some valid things for us to be able to consider. We need to be compassionate with ourselves, with our bodies, our minds, and to remember that this journey is not a sprint. It is a marathon. It is an entire life that we need to continue to work on ourselves.
This word of perfection should really be removed from our thoughts. That we feel like we need to attain perfection, or we already are that level. Otherwise, I feel like we wouldn't be here on earth and having this human experience if that was the case. We're here and we need to understand that we're not perfect. It's about tuning into who we are, tuning into our bodies, our minds, and then understanding that we can improve ourselves and become better humans. We need to just create a toolbox. That's going to work for each person, and everyone is different. there are billions of people out in the world. Whatever is going to work for you is something that you need to grab by the horn and then move forward with that. Whether that's the Enneagram or there is another self-discovery technique. The most important thing is becoming aware of who we are and then realizing how we can reach our maximal potential in this life. Oftentimes life just flies by and before you know it it's over. People on their deathbeds often reflect not on how much money or what they had or those materialistic things. It's really the experiences you've gone through in life and what you feel like you've exhibited it, you've experienced life to whatever you feel is your maximal potential. It's often that that comes up for us too late.
But, I feel like currently there is a section of life right now that's happening, due to the mental state that's going on in the world, everyone is spending a lot more time on self-reflection and working on their mental health. It first starts with ourselves. We cannot help other people if our own cups of energy are empty. We help everybody else. I see this all the time. And I was like this. We help everybody else, but we don't help ourselves. We hate ourselves. It's like, I'm not going to go do something for myself. I don't have time for that. But you know what, I'm going to have time to go and get my friend a nice gift certificate for a massage so that she can go get that done. You know what I mean? We just tend to help others and it's just amazing now that I've spent so much more time on myself, how much more effectively I can help other people. My dad has gotten so much better. My dog who was sick, he's gotten so much better. It's what I'm seeing around me, everything is flourishing because I'm now spending time on myself. And it's not selfish.
Melinda: No, it's self-nurturing. As we grow in awareness, we care for others, and they naturally also get what they need on some level.
Stay tuned for Head types
About Dr. Nikhil Sharma & AlignUs
I’m Dr. Nikhil Sharma, founder of AlignUs and for the last 10 years I had dedicated my life to working with patients with liver failure due to alcohol or obesity, who suffer from addictions and was a part of their rehabilitation process and helping them to get to a new liver and a second chance at life. During that period, I thought to myself, what if we could prevent people from suffering major physical health issues by helping them heal from their traumas and improve their mental health?
So, I created AlignUs where our mission is to inspire a world of wellness and philanthropy through compassion, connection and competition.
AlignUs creates a high vibrational atmosphere that involves self-care, physical competition and charitable donations. AlignUs will revolutionize how we do philanthropy in this digital age, while making it fun and rewarding to help each other.
Are you Interested in learning your enneagram & growing through enneagram counseling?
Hi, I’m Melinda
I’m a therapist who uses the Enneagram and Brainspotting to help 20 & 30-somethings understand and change unhelpful patterns, love themselves, and navigate all the big transitions and emotions that come with where they are in life.
What my clients often look like:
1) Empaths and “HSPs” who feel deeply and are afraid that something is “wrong” with them or have been told that they are too “sensitive”
2) Helpers or “over-givers” who want healthier relationships with themselves and others
3) Enneagram enthusiasts who want to grow
4) Premarital and young couples wanting to start their marriage off on the right foot